I’ve been wondering about crossing the line. When does it happen, who decides where the line is, how do you know it’s happened, and then what?
For me, this sparkly spiderweb-y thread — as sharp and as shiny as one of those wire cheese slicers — resides somewhere in between inspiration and influence, asking for what I need and being selfish, enough and too much, serving a need and taking on the whole burden.
Everyone’s got different lines. They’re not universal. And sometimes you don’t even know your own line, you have to cross it to find out where it is.
How do you know when you’ve crossed the line? Your body will tell you.
What do you do when you’ve crossed a line? Notice. Communicate. Change. Practice.
Grief is unbearable but bearable. Embarrassment is just unbearable. It is through the body that we know these things. And when it is unbearable and excruciating, we have learned, quite sharply: Behave differently. — Jane Hirshfield, poet
For me, sometimes something beautiful grows from within, as a pure and true expression of my gifts and desires. And then, that thing sieves from my heart through my pores and becomes something outside of me.
When I host a gathering because communion and connection are synonymous with my soul, I’m on the safe side. When I start to shift my way of being or my choices or my easeful joy turns effortful because of others’ expectations (or what I assume or perceive them to be), I’ve crossed the line. When I spot someone at the farmer’s market in a compellingly faded pair of black jeans and nod to myself in reverent approval like, “Oh yeah, those are good,” I’m inspired. When I spend days scouring the web for the perfect and perfectly priced pair of must-have denim that I’m incomplete without, I’ve crossed the line.
I go from feeling effervescent, plump and juicy, excited, solid, aligned, fluid, like there’s a gentle wind at my lower back to feeling sunken, heart racing, heady, less than. From whole to hurt.
“The insight at the heart of nonviolence is that we live in a tragic gap — a gap between the way things are and the way we know they might be. It is a gap that never has been and never will be closed. If we want to live nonviolent lives, we must learn to stand in the tragic gap, faithfully holding the tension between reality and possibility.” — Parker Palmer
I think the gap is the cousin of the line.
In some twisty turny topsy turvy universe-does-its-thing kind of way, space — a gap — is what’s needed to mitigate mindless line crossing. When I meditate regularly or practice taking a deep breath in moments of intensity, it becomes more possible for me to feel what I’m feeling and know what I know, deep in my bones, about where I am relative to the line. And when I’m suffering in that chasm between my vivid dreams and my current reality, as I often am, I can tolerate it if I’m standing strong and tall, feet planted hip width apart on the ground, fists confidently not desperately hugging the tug-of-war line, giving it just enough slack to slide to and fro as I center myself in the balance of the here and now.
And what of the line I’ve crossed more than once now, from the person I was to the Danya I am today? That’s a hard-won passage, more of a path than a divider, something to celebrate. Ah, transformation. Precisely the topic of the podcast I’m slowly, gently, lovingly, loosely co-creating with
. But that's a buried lede for another newsletter.Until then, tell me about your lines. Where are they, who put them there, when have you crossed them, how did you know, and what did you do about it?
Not unrelated: I’ve become very interested in embodiment, somatic practices, noticing and responding to the wisdom of our bodies, remembering we ARE a body. I’ve recently learned a lot from the following:
My Grandmother's Hands: Racialized Trauma and the Pathway to Mending Our Hearts and Bodies by Resmaa Menakem
Leadership Embodiment: How the Way We Sit and Stand Can Change the Way We Think and Speak by Wendy Palmer and Janet Crawford (a book and a method)
How to Follow the Wisdom of Your Body with Dr. Hillary McBride on the We Can Do Hard Things podcast
- 's recent Name Less. Move More. essay
Bi-weekly coaching with Felice Winograd
What do you recommend?
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If you’d like to work with me, I offer integral coaching for individuals and groups and strategic advising for early stage startup leaders. Just reply to this email to let me know how I can support you.
This is a sporadic newsletter by Danya Shults offering a smorgasbord of Danya-y content. If someone forwarded this to you and you liked what you read, subscribe below to get the next issue in your inbox.
Funny enough I relate specifically to each of the lines you mention. "Same!", I exclaim! Also the line where I can and have shifted from supportive to enabling, that's a big one